I awoke yesterday morning with a large knot in my stomach as my head finally processed that I have 1 week...that's 7 days...168 hours..604,800 seconds until I leave for Italy. I have known it was coming, heck I've been counting the days for so long, but still the closeness of it somehow took me by surprise. I would say I had a mild panic attack while in bed yesterday as thoughts of what needs to still be done, what-ifs, and what was I thinking?? zigzagged through my brain. I feel completly inadequate to handle this monstorous task before me. It's too big! There's just too much!
Fortunately, the panic attack lasted mere minutes until reality settled in and calmed me down. It is too big for me. I am inadequate. It is too much. But! I do not go alone. I do not have to work through all of this by myself. Not only do I go with an amazing colleague and have an equally amazing boss here to support me, but the Holy Spirit is with me as well. If God is for me, then who can stand against me? Ummmm....no one. So, take that panic attack.
I am reminded daily that this is exactly where I am meant to be. This is just as it's supposed to be. I met with the new director of campus ministries today and he told me a story that put my mind at ease and once again reassured me that this is what God has planned for me. He told me that he sat in with my boss on the initial web chat with all of the candidates for my job and after it was all done he told my boss that I was the one. I laughed when he told me this, but I know he meant it. I knew from the beginning in my heart of hearts that this job was mine. I would be lying if I said that I didn't have moments of doubt, but there was still something within the core of who I am that knew this would be mine. And it was. It is.
I know that yesterday's panic attack is just the first of many as the enormity of what I am about to do settles in me....when I am missing things at home...when I am missing familiarity...when I am missing people...but still. I will acknowledge those fears, that panic, and will remember that for such a time as this I was called into this position. I have confidence that He who began a good work in me will see it through to completion and that's what excites me most. I'm excited to be in Italy, to journey with students, but most of all I am excited to see what God will do through me in this time...to see how He shows up and how I can be used in His hands for His glory. Thankfully, I only have to wait 7 more days.